I have always had a love-hate relationship with my emotions. Well, actually that’s not entirely true. I’ve loved being myself -emotions and all- at times, and really disliked it at other times. It doesn’t oscillate back and forth constantly, but my dislike seems to creep in occasionally and inconveniently.
When I am in a period where my emotions are unwelcome, I find that they get in the way. When my dad died, they were so intense. I always describe it like doing pigeon pose in yoga (when you’re not super flexible) and just dropping down to the floor. Too intense. Too too intense. It hurt too much.
There are the seasons where I love being my emotional self. My emotions and intuitions feel like a superpower. My season of healing from so much of my childhood pain was radical. It changed everything. I felt free and my emotions felt safe and enjoyable - like a playground.
When I launched the pre sale for Opaline Hue - I felt just so vulnerable. The feeling of nakedness in front of my own personal community, my family, and also everyone else who was listening - it was too intense. Too much. No thank you! I wished I could be the stereotype of a cold, feelings-less CEO. I don't think that would be helpful to the world, but I wished it because it all hurt too much.
It’s all something I’m learning about and exploring. Like I'm still just trying my humanity on for the first time. I was thinking about what I hope pass on to my future children one day about emotions. I wanted to say that they’re the spice of life. They add color. They make it brilliant.
But then, I thought, that’s too small.
What they are is embedded in us. They are necessary to us. Spices add enjoyment, quality of life, yet they may not add nutritional value like the object of their spicing. But emotions aren’t just about quality of life - as in "feeling everything is what makes life beautiful" like an inspirational quote. Feelings are a nutritional value. They make our bodies work. They affect our biology. In looking at studies done - they are intermixed with survival. I've experienced the effects of shutting my emotions away. My body did not like it.
The strength to lean in to the 'pigeon pose' of my emotions is a development in progress. My default is to shut them off or turn the volume down, rather than bravely welcome them with boundaries. It's scary isn't it?
I have no conclusion to this. I'm just simply working on it.