Embrace Sometimes Means

I looked down at the floor of the train, numb and exhausted. It was 2 years ago on a Thursday and I was heading to therapy again. Tired of spending my time and my money on this thing that required all of me to show up face my pain, seemed each week like less and less of a smart investment. I smiled at myself realizing how nice the apathy felt, as I had spent so many days facing the terror of anxiety. Everything in my heart was so tired of talking about the wounds in my life – of digging up childhood memories only to find more. I closed my eyes and thought of my dad - a man who won a lottery, which stole his chance to live past 45.  And I breathed, and remembered what a gift that is to be able to breathe today. I remembered that I must take advantage of my days and I owe it to myself to heal. And that day, like every other day I took the train to counseling, I just kept going.

 

This morning my mind woke me up too early.  The tasks ahead of me weighed on my mind and stole my sleep. I sat up, feeling numb and exhausted. I made coffee and sat down to type.  I thought of how working on this business is usually such a joy, but today I’m just tired. I’m tired of new experiences that make me feel constantly raw. I’m tired of thinking of things to say only to have my own mind combat me with nasty messages. I’m tired of wondering if the hopes and time and money I am pouring into this venture will be for nothing. I thought back to my joy for this business, and the messages from mentors. They say perfect is good, but done is better. They say to just start. They say yes this is so hard, but just show up and be consistent. And this morning, like some other mornings, I just kept going.  

 

In reflecting on the message of Opaline Hue, to embrace your days, it is a literary gift to be able to see a connection between the two days in the stories above. I do not feel numb and exhausted every day, but these days to represent parts of my life. I am in a much different place than I was two years ago. I’m in a new stage of life. I do not exert my energy to the same things. I have different goals. But, whatever I am facing before me, I have a choice to step in and show up. Embracing my life some days looks like excitement and freedom. Sometimes it looks like today, where despite my exhaustion I simply show up.

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